Life as a parent to a medical or special needs kiddo can sometimes feel overwhelming! You’ve got regular parenting things to do. Regular adulting things to do. And then you’ve got a whole additional career as a nurse/doctor/therapist/care provider for your kiddo. And, of course, the ever-present need to do some self care, which everyone agrees is important but nobody seems to want to actually help make happen. Right?
The fact of the matter is that we’re all humans. Humans have a limited supply of time and energy. A disproportionate amount of our time and energy as parents to medically complex or special needs kiddos goes to our medically complex or special needs kiddo, leaving a smaller-than-most-people’s amount left for all the other things, particularly the regular adulting type things.
So the first step to simplifying your life is…
Recognize that you have to be purposeful about how to spend your time and energy.
I remember back before I had a medically complex child. I could just willy nilly decide to completely rearrange our closets. Or whatever. But these days, I just don’t have that same amount of energy, because I spend a large chunk of energy on keeping another human alive, and being interrupted constantly by the various urgent needs of the human I’m trying to keep alive. (I am trying to keep ALL my kids alive, obviously, it’s just that one of them needs a bit more parental involvement!) I have to be purposeful about how I spend my time and energy, if I want to be sure to have enough for the important things – not just the keeping-the-child-alive things, but the being-a-fun-mom things and the being-present-for-the-other-kids things.
Separate the Necessary from the Feels Necessary.
Think through the things you do or think about regularly. Which ones are REALLY necessary? Which just feel necessary? Only you know which task goes in which pile, but it’s too easy fall into the trap of categorizing not really necessary things as “necessary” because they FEEL necessary. Doing my kiddo’s meds is necessary. Vacuuming the rug is not (usually) necessary.
One way to help you sort your “things” is to ask yourself “what are the consequences if this doesn’t get done?” If I don’t pay my bills, I have to pay late fees, or I have my water and electricity shut off. Paying bills is necessary. If I don’t dust the mantle, I have dust on the mantle. Not necessary. If I don’t cook dinner for one night, our family will survive. People will find something to eat. If I never cook again, our family will have poor nutrition and perhaps start losing weight. Cooking is not necessary, but ensuring everyone eats healthy food IS necessary. If I don’t mop the floor, I have a dirty floor. Mopping the floor is not necessary. (But when my son was immediately post transplant on high doses of immune suppression and rolling around on the floor licking things, vacuuming the rug and mopping the floor was a lot more necessary.)
I want to note, there’s a category of “not necessary” things that are things that bring you joy. I have a friend who loves baking bread from scratch. It isn’t necessary, but she enjoys it. These “not necessary” things should, in moderation, be considered to be just below the “necessary” things in importance. They’re important to your mental health.
Do the necessary things first. Do the not necessary but I love them things next. Do the not necessary things if you have leftover time and energy.
Eliminate, Streamline, and Delegate
Thinking still about all your “things,” what can you eliminate entirely? What can you streamline? What can you delegate?
Are there things on that “not necessary” list that can be eliminated? Your spouse’s workplace’s annual picnic that always stresses you out, for example? This year, just don’t go. Make up an excuse if you need to. Making the bed? Not necessary. Eliminate it, unless having a neatly made bed brings you enough joy to be worth the time and energy investment.
What can you streamline? Laundry? If your family has enough clothes to make it a week, consider only doing laundry every week. At our house, we wash laundry one day a week – my ten year old actually does this. It’s several loads, but it’s not so much that it can’t get done in one day. Then the next day, I fold it all. It takes an hour or two, but I set aside the time, put on a movie, and get it done. This is a much more efficient use of time and energy, compared to carrying laundry down and up the stairs daily, having to fold daily, having to walk to all the bedrooms daily, etc. (And, to be really honest, folding could be eliminated, as well. Plenty of families just dig clean laundry out of a laundry basket without any long term damage!)
Paying bills can usually be streamlined. First, as every bill comes in, we check the due date, and then put the bill into a folder marked BILLS that lives in the kitchen. We’ve shuffled due dates around over the years so I only have to sit down to pay bills once a month, unless the odd, unexpected, due-before-the-next-time-you’ll-pay-bills bill pops in. I have Pay Bills as a recurring event on my to do list, it pops in every month, and this is literally the ONLY time I think about bills. I only have to log in to the bank website once a month. I only have to sit down with that folder once a month. I only have to THINK about bills once a month. In reality, if you aren’t as much of a control freak as I am, you could streamline this further by just having all your bills – or as many as possible – auto-pay.
Really, any task that is regular and ongoing can usually be done a bit more efficiently by doing it in larger chunks – but you need to decide for yourself which way is easier – not just physically, but mentally. We don’t have a dishwasher, so we hand wash dishes. This would be more efficient if we let them build up for a few days… but seeing dirty dishes stacked in the kitchen makes me feel gloomy, so we wash dishes daily.
And finally, what can you delegate? I’ve had a handful of things over the years that I’ve just had to sit my husband down and say, “ok, look. I can’t do this thing any more. I need you to do it.” Washing dishes, for example. It used to be my job and then my daily task list with our medical kid just got too long, and now it’s his job.
I also highly recommend having older kids, lol. As my other kids have gotten older, they’ve taken over a LOT of my tasks for me, for which they are paid an allowance. It’s definitely convenient!
Make your Necessary items Easier
This requires some out of the box thinking sometimes. I have to get my oil changed, but I don’t have to be present for that to happen. I can use a facility that comes to me, or I can use a facility that will come get my car.
I have to feed my family, but I don’t have to cook every meal from scratch. I can do take-out, I can do meal kits, I can buy pre-cut vegetables, I can buy healthy meals that are half prepared from the grocery store. My community also has several options for services that allow you to purchase full, made from scratch meals.
Keep a To Do List
Make a list of all those “feels necessary” things that you were unable to eliminate or delegate. See, we’re not going to just not do them. Obviously, you can’t go forever without mopping. We’re just not going to worry about them quite as often, and we’re not going to waste energy thinking about them. Write them down. Make a list. Post the list somewhere. Every day (or week, whatever works for you), take 15 minutes and work your way through the list. Set a timer. When the timer dings, you’re done. Next day (or week), start where you left off. See – those things will get done. But they don’t need to take up your mental energy any more.
It’s OK to say no. Even to your own kids. Sometimes kid activities fall into “feels necessary” but they aren’t really necessary. You don’t have to let your kids sign up for tons of activities. One activity per child is plenty, unless one of them drives and can drive the others. If you’re the only driver, you have to take an honest look at yourself and your schedule and decide if you have the stamina.
What about extra family commitments? Aunt Bertha’s going to be in town and the whole family wants to plan a weekend full of activities!! It’s OK to say no. Or to say yes, but only for an hour.
What about literally everything else? Say no. Next time you’re asked if you’d like to serve on x group, or commit to joining y activity on an ongoing basis, just say no, unless you’ve really thoughtfully considered it and decided you do have the time and energy. It’s OK to say no.
Take A Break
If you’re feeling really snowed under, it’s OK to take a break from things, instead of fully saying no. Tell your book club you won’t be there for a few months, but you’ll be back in October. Tell your child’s therapists that you need a break for a month or two. Reschedule flexible appointments like eye exams. Sometimes taking a month (or more) long break from the daily grind is just what you need!
I feel like this piece of advice is almost worthless. Those of you who are naturally organized are already organized and those of you who aren’t, aren’t likely to become so. There are countless books, blogs, etc., about getting organized if you’re interested. Having a good system set up for records, for appointments, for medical supplies, etc., saves you time in the long run, and also helps you avoid mental clutter. If you always keep necessary paperwork in the same spot, you don’t have to waste mental energy stressing about where you put whatever piece of necessary paperwork you suddenly need.
Essentials Only During Crisis
During a crisis, pare down to only the essentials. Put off everything that isn’t vital. Afraid you’ll forget something entirely if you don’t handle it right then? Get yourself a file folder. Put everything in it, and write yourself a list on the outside. If it’s something with a deadline, write that in your calendar. Then you can stop thinking about it.
Take Advantage of Slow Times
BY RESTING FIRST! This is something I almost never do, but that doesn’t make it bad advice. When you have a slow period – things with your kiddo are going smooth, no new crises, etc. – REST FIRST.
When you’re all rested up, that’s when you can play catch-up on all the things you neglected during a crisis. Go find that folder where you stashed all the things, and start dealing with them!
I hope these tips will help you find some peace by simplifying your life a little. Take what you can use, leave the rest.