Pampers Gifts to Grow

So, the hospital uses Pampers. And I have no good way of washing diapers while we’re in the hospital (if we were local, I could probably pull it off, but we’re not), so we use the Pampers. Pampers has this Gifts to Grow program, where you can earn points toward various things. The codes for the points are inside the containers. Wish I’d caught on to this when he was in the NICU, because he had to be double-diapered and we were going through packages like crazy, lol. (and a nurse commented that she bet I was happy we weren’t having to do that at home because it would be so expensive – um, more expensive than the NICU? I don’t think so.)

Anyway. Back to my point. Pampers also every once in a while has codes they release to the Internet At Large that you can add to your account. I’m at some 350 points, and you need like 10,000 to get anything, so I’ve got a ways to go, but when one of the coupon blogs I follow has a code, I go add it.

And today while I was adding a code, I also saw this little Q&A:

Question

I have a 6-month-old baby. How long does frozen breast milk retain its value and nutrition?

Answer

Fresh breast milk, when expressed under clean conditions, can be used safely up to four hours at room temperature, and for 24 to 48 hours when refrigerated immediately after expression. When frozen immediately, breast milk can last up to three months. In general, the freezer compartment of a household refrigerator is adequate for safe freezing. Although freezing breast milk does preserve most of the milk’s nutritional value, some of the immunological, or disease-fighting, components of milk are inactivated by freezing. No studies have been done to determine whether babies who drink fresh breast milk exclusively get fewer colds or diarrhea illnesses than babies who get frozen milk occasionally. The health benefits of breastfeeding are so important that a nursing mother should not hesitate to feed her baby frozen, defrosted breast milk during temporary separations.

This was answered by an MD. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Now, I don’t think disposable diaper companies are the devil or anything. They provide a product people want, and they’re very good at marketing. But, REALLY, Pampers? REALLY??

For the record, the CDC is pretty conservative, and here are their guidelines (which I have also provided to Pampers).

6-8 hours countertop, 24 hours insulated cooler bag, 5 days fridge, 6-12 months freezer or longer.

 

Rethinking Childbirth

I don’t often share Christian articles here. I am a Christian, a conservative one at that, and that is essentially the reason why Wallypop exists in the first place. While I am not ashamed of my faith and do not hide it, I know many of you are not also believers, and see no reason to drive you away from the rest of my dazzling blog content (ha ha) by posting a lot of stuff you won’t be interested in.

So please respect that this is one of the few occasions when I WILL post something that is very overtly Christian. And also note that you STILL might be interested in reading it.

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I don’t often share articles about natural childbirth here. blah blah, same disclaimer as above. I believe every woman has the right to make her own educated decisions about how she will birth her children, and those decisions should be supported by her caregivers and family. Unfortunately, relatively few women in this country get to experience what that’s like – making educated decisions and being supported.

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And now, the link. Rethinking Childbearing, Part I and Part II.

I do not necessarily personally agree with some of the finer points of Christianity discussed in the article. I don’t even necessarily agree that childbirth is or must be painful. (Mine have been uncomfortable, but I associate the word Pain with having a kidney stone – and I’ve passed two. The experiences are nothing alike.) And, last, I find it annoying that the author seems to believe that medical interventions in childbirth are at a mother’s request. Certainly, they are at her approval (as the OB must have consent to treat), but I think the author underestimates the pressure put on women by their care providers and that, as a man, he also lacks a good understanding of the mental status of a woman in labor.

All that said, I liked the article because I’ve not read such a thorough examination of current childbirth practices from a Christian/Bible perspective.

“Many mothers-to-be today buy into modern medicine’s disdain for God’s natural, physiological processes, and in essence agree that God’s design is inherently defective.”

“The so-called “experts” in the field of obstetrical practice desire that families do minimal thinking on their own and submit to the superior wisdom of modern medical science.”

“Because today there is an unrealistic expectation on the part of parents and medical personnel as to how long labor should take, especially a first labor, the many ‘helps’ that are available from the hospital ‘pain reduction’ menu often are the very factors that lead to eventual C-sections.”

And particularly these questions, which I think hit that nail squarely on the head:

“Had adopting the hospital model caused women to lose their innate instincts of how to give birth? Had the shift
in thinking produced a generation of women who wanted ‘natural childbirth’  but found it difficult to proceed because their own perspective (as well as the hospital’s perspective) of ‘natural childbirth’  lacked a full understanding of the process?”

Local Mamas – Methodist Hospital has a new policy re: releasing placentas

When we had Wally at Mercy Hospital, one of the things that was important to our family was to bring his placenta home with us. This amazing organ that kept him nourished and safe for all those months was NOT going to be incinerated like a piece of garbage. We ended up planting a pear tree with it (which, um, yeah, subsequently died). The process at Mercy was easy, they had to do some testing on it to make sure it wasn’t diseased and then they just handed it over to my husband in a big ziplock bag.

At Methodist Hospital, the process has been similar for a number of years. I have heard rumors of some people having difficulty getting their placentas released recently, and this was posted at the Holistic Families of Des Moines Facebook group this morning, written by local doula and placenta encapsulator Sabbath Jackson:

 

Hey there everyone!After a phone call tonight with a local doula – I am at my wit’s end. I am writing a note out to all of the local birthworkers to try and find some support and some help with what’s going on over at Methodist Hospital regarding the release of patient’s placenta’s.

It started off kind of quietly, but it is in full swing now – Methodist Hospital will not release any placenta’s to their patients to take home. They advise patients that the placenta has to be transported to a funeral home (HA!) and must be rendered non-pathogenic (i.e. no longer suitable for encapsulation, placed into a formalin solution). They are claiming that it is based on a brand new law. I contacted the Iowa Department of Public Health and asked why Methodist would be under the impression that there was a new law, as Mercy Hospital gives us not a bit of trouble with patient’s who want their placenta. Iowa Department of Public Health wrote back:

IDPH and the Department of Inspections and Appeals are not aware of any rules or regulations. I would ask the healthcare facility for their reference for their requirement. It seems an odd restriction to be placed when such a small number of patients would be requesting this.

I am sort of at my wit’s end. As doulas in the community, and as other people who work with childbearing women, I am looking for some support with this. I am currently trying to set up a meeting with Methodist Hospital Administration, but I am having no luck. My next move will be simply to show up and request to speak to someone.

I would love to hear about anyone who has had an experience with trying to get their placenta home, for whatever reason. I am aware that other people in the community are also preparing placenta’s and I am hoping that the efforts I put forth here will serve to benefit us all, so please don’t be afraid to talk to me about issues that go beyond just Beth and myself. I need to get some good patient stories to come at the hospital with, but please make sure that you discuss anything that you might talk to me about with your clients first, or better yet, simply give them the option to contact me directly.

If you are able, please feel free to also contact Methodist Hospital. I hate to be awful, but honestly, if this is their new policy, I will advise clients to seek care at another facility. I am hoping that if they start to see some community support for allowing placenta’s to be released, they will reconsider their policy. That could mean also having your clients, current and otherwise, also write in a letter as a consumer asking for them to change their policy. You can direct your clients here to submit their note.

http://www.iowahealth.org/renovation-question-form.aspx

Also, if anyone is more skilled at perusing Iowa state code, please feel free to locate any new legislation for 2011 regarding this. I looked for a long time and was not able to find anything new.

I know we are all busy, but this is seriously starting to have a major impact on childbearing families citywide. I think I am up to 8 families that haven’t been able to bring home their placenta, or have had it ‘accidentally destroyed’ (once is an accident…three times isn’t).

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Sabbath ended her note with her contact information, but I’m not comfortable publishing her phone number and email here (just, you know, I still have people who read this blog because they’re angry about the cloth wipes), but please visit her website http://www.ganesabirth.com/ for her contact information. Thanks!

Vacation with cloth, without laundry facilities

Yes, it’s doable.

Here was our situation: Family trip (as in, us with DH’s parents and sibs). Cruise ship. No laundry facilities. (Obviously I did not choose the ship.) Genna is pretty much 100% potty trained at home, but she does not always tell us if she needs to pee when we’re not home. Additionally, she will often say “no” in response to “do you need to pee” when what she means is “yes, but I’m busy right now.” And she has a tendency to wait to tell us she needs to pee when she’s got approx. 8 seconds to get to the toilet. She’s dry overnight if she’s sleeping well, but has a tendency to pee in her sleep on nights when she’s restless. So – I had no idea what to expect on this trip from her.

We decided to take flat diapers, since they would wash the easiest and dry the fastest,  not to mention that they pack so compactly. I also took several pairs of training pants because those would be easier on the travel days than trying to deal with a diaper and cover in the airplane bathroom. We also decided that we would throw away any poopy diapers, rather than trying to get them clean by hand washing in water of unknown temperature. (I wasn’t sure how hot the water on the boat would get.) I packed enough diapers for two days of full-time diapering, in addition to wipes and a few covers.

I hand-washed wet diapers and training pants in the sink in our bathroom – one at a time – every time we had one in need of washing. I rinsed them out under running cold water, then let them soak in hot soapy water for a few minutes before agitating with my hands for several minutes. I rinsed in hot water, then cold water, until I didn’t see any more bubbles. We hung them to dry using clothes pins and skirt hangers. The bathroom was too humid, so I actually hung them out on our cabin’s deck. Our cabin mates (my MIL, FIL, MIL’s aunt, and MIL’s friend) were not super impressed by this, but *shrug.* There were a few days when we had oily soot from the ship’s smokestacks covering everything on the deck, and on those days, I hung diapers in the closet or in front of the window from the curtain rod. I brought clothesline, but was reluctant to just string it up somewhere.

We didn’t have too many diapers to deal with, fortunately, but I think our system would have still worked out just fine even if she was in dipes full-time. Flats are not hard to wash by hand, they rinse clean fairly easily, and they dry fast.

I used flats that I made from birdseye fabric, in addition to some that I bought on clearance a little while back. We used some liquid laundry soap that I had sitting around the laundry room from our last trip last summer. It was probably Costco brand.

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yes, we could have just switched to disposables. but I didn’t want to. (And Genna got a horrible rash the one time she wore a disposable.) Had we been using disposables, I would have had to devote a lot more suitcase room to diapers, since I would have needed to pack enough to last the whole 12 days we were gone. And I would have had to worry about running out! And I’m honestly not sure what I would have done with them on the ship. They don’t have plastic liner bags in the garbage cans, and I wouldn’t have wanted to smell dirty disposable diapers all day, either.

As it turns out, using cloth was not a big deal. It didn’t take up much time. It was no more effort than using cloth at home. It was not a big deal.

Keepin’ it Cheap, Baby!

(or, how to keep your frugal ideals – or develop some – when it comes to your young’uns.)

Welcome to my post for Des Moines’ Frugal Blog Tour. I hope you can visit all the blogs on the tour this week and next.

The USDA, in its Expenditures on Children by Families 2009 report, estimates that parents spend an average of $11,700 for each baby in their first year of life. (Families in urban areas spend slightly more, and rural families spend slightly less.) I used the UDSA’s Cost of Raising a Child Calculator and discovered that, even after removing housing and child care expenses, I can be expected to spend about $4,000 on my two year old this year, and about $5,300 on my 6 year old.

Wow.

The good news is that those statistics reflect the “average” American, not the super frugal American that you can become!

So let’s take a look at some of the major baby expenses and some practical ways you can reduce those expenses without sacrificing quality or safety.

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Baby Equipment
Most “saving money with your new baby” articles give you lots of ways to buy baby “stuff” for less money, or will direct you to baby “stuff” that gets you the most bang for your buck. But few of these articles will challenge you to really consider how much “stuff” your new baby really needs.

I would encourage you, though, to really think through each and every purchase. For example, many “baby must haves” lists claim that an infant “bucket-style” carseat is an absolute necessity – but the vast majority of babies do not actually need an infant seat. Most convertible carseats can hold babies as little as 5 lbs rear-facing, and then can be turned around to front-facing for toddlers and preschoolers up to 65 (or more) lbs. Cutting out the “bucket” seat can save you about $200. (In addition, bucket seats are not safe places for infants when used outside of a car. They are heavy and awkward to carry around. Instead of carrying your baby around in a $200 infant car seat that will only fit them for 4-5 months, consider purchasing a $40 baby sling, which is not only lighter and less bulky, but will fit your baby until they’re in preschool – or beyond.) For more information about keeping carseats in cars, see this article at Mothering.

Strollers are often considered a Must Have. I’ll admit, we do use ours (I think we’ve used it about a dozen times with two children over six years) and they can be handy. Before you sink a lot of money into a fancy-pants model, though, seriously consider how much you’ll use a stroller. Where do you plan to take the baby where you’ll want a stroller? Particularly if you plan to use baby carriers or slings, you might not use a stroller as much as you think you will. Perhaps a better strategy might be to borrow a stroller at first, until you get a good feel for how much you’ll really use it. As an alternative, consider purchasing a cheaper (or a used) stroller, planning to move up to a more expensive model if you end up feeling like it would be a good investment after all.

Other baby equipment you could probably do without: Bassinet (babies can nap just as easily on the floor), changing table (babies can be changed on nearly any flat surface – including the floor or the top of a dresser), Exersaucer, Baby chairs and bouncers, baby bathtub (a sink, or mama’s lap works just as well), breastpump (unless you really have a need to pump, such as if you’re planning to return to work), and baby swing. Some families who plan to cosleep even forgo a crib (we put up a borrowed crib when pregnant with our first, but never used it, and never bothered to put it up with our second).

(Please note: I’m not saying there is anything wrong with any of these baby products. If your family, your baby, your neighbor, your aunt’s second cousin’s baby liked them – that’s fine. There’s no judgement here. But if you’re trying to save money – you don’t NEED any of these items to have a perfectly healthy, happy baby.)

But what about saving money on the baby equipment that you really do need? It goes without saying that buying used or borrowing is better for your budget than buying new. (Check out any items against Recall lists, and be sure to check them over to ensure proper, safe functioning.)  Garage sales, Craigslist, Ebay, friends, family, and secondhand stores can all be great sources of previously-loved baby equipment. The good new is, most baby equipment is used for such a short time, it’s usually still in pretty good shape.

Baby equipment is one area where having a well-established “tribe,” or what I call “purposeful family,” can come in handy – many families who don’t currently have new babies will have the equipment you want just sitting around unused – and will probably be willing to lend to you. Frankly, I look for nearly any opportunity to lend out my baby swing (a gift), since it’s huge and I’d rather not have to store it.

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Diapers
Lest there be any confusion, I own a business where I make and sell cloth diapers. While I have no problem with families who make an educated decision that disposables are better for their family, there is just no question that cloth diapers are a more frugal choice. I have spreadsheets that drive this point home in a ridiculous amount of detail here. There are plenty of resources in the Des Moines area to help you learn more about cloth diapers – particularly, Des Moines Cloth Diapering is a great resource.

Want to go even more frugal?
- Using prefolds with covers are the least expensive diapering option – not only because prefolds are cheaper than other types of diapers, but because they tend to last the longest, as well.
- If you have any sewing skills, you could try your hand at making your own diapers, which will usually be less expensive than buying diapers (usually!). Using materials you already have on hand and sewing your diapers without fasteners cut the cost even further. Don’t think you have diaper materials on hand? How about old Tshirts and kitchen towels?
- Buy used diapers. I usually discourage people from buying covers used unless you know the seller, since there’s a risk that they’re being sold because they no longer work. However, buying fitted diapers or prefolds used can be a real money-saver. Our local Des Moines Cloth Diapering has a used diaper “garage sale” twice a year, where we bring together families with diapers to sell and families looking to buy diapers. This sale provides buyers with a relatively safe used diaper buying experience. Every once in a while, you can find cloth diapers at secondhand stores or garage sales, as well.

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Clothes
Clothes can be a major expense, but saving money here is so easy. Buy used. Borrow from friends or family with kids slightly older than yours. Ask family members for hand me downs. Buy clearance. There’s really no reason to ever pay full price for baby clothes.

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Baby Food
Some families decide that formula is what’s the very best choice for their family. However, from a financial standpoint, you can’t beat breastfeeding. Not only is breastmilk free, but it also comes in attractive containers! Breastfed children also tend to be sick less often, resulting in reduced medical expenses, as well. Breastfeeding is not easy for everyone, but seeking help from the local LLL or a qualified Lactation Consultant (look for someone who is board certified – they will have the initials IBCLC) can definitely pay off here.

Once baby starts eating solid foods, making your own baby food will save tons of money, as will skipping the “baby” versions of regular foods. For example, they do sell “baby” fruit juice – but it’s just juice. Buy regular juice, and then dilute it half with water, and voila! Juice for the young’uns, and at a significant cost savings over the “baby” juice. Even better – skip the juice entirely. It’s a really concentrated source of sugar, and pretty unnecessary in a baby’s diet. For baby foods, there is really no need to purchase commercial baby food at all. Babies can eat what you’re eating – just smashed up. Are you having roast with potatoes and carrots for dinner? Scoop some out and mash it up for your baby, it’ll be healthier and cheaper than serving them jars of beef, potatoes, and carrots from Gerber.

Prenatal care and Childbirth
I want to start off this section by saying that I totally understand that not everyone can have their “ideal” birth. Despite our best efforts, some women really do need a C-Section or other interventions.

That said, the way you plan for your child’s birth can have a dramatic impact on the cost of your child’s birth. Midwifery care, for example, is dramatically less expensive than OB care. (And don’t assume that just because an OB is in network on your health insurance that care with the OB will result in less out of pocket expense for you than a midwife. Our out of pocket, after insurance, cost for Wally’s basic hospital birth with an OB was higher than the basic cost for a midwife would have been. Still kicking myself for that one, and not just because of the money!)

Whoever your chosen provider is, it can often pay to ask about ways to save money. If you pay in advance for the birth at the hospital, will they give you a discount? If you’re paying with cash instead of insurance, will they give you a discount? If your chosen provider delivers at multiple hospitals, you can choose the hospital that charges less for the same services. You can even choose a provider partly based on their expenses – not all providers cost the same amount of money, and providers who charge more aren’t necessarily better. (Recently, my husband needed a sleep study to diagnose his sleep apnea. Calling around to a few different providers netted us a savings of over $1000.)

Planning to avoid many common interventions in childbirth  (such as pitocin, epidurals, etc.) or in prenatal care (ultrasounds, tests that are routine but not medically necessary) can also dramatically reduce the expense invovled in having a baby. Those things aren’t cheap, and they often lead to more things that aren’t cheap.

An interesting point here, though, is that sometimes spending money can help you save money. For example, taking out-of-hospital childbirth classes can help you learn to be an advocate for yourself, and save you money in the long run on unneeded tests, procedures, etc. Hiring a doula has been proven to help prevent interventions in childbirth – and will likely save you money in the long run, as well.

I know the idea of considering cost when talking about medical care is pretty controversial in this country, but it’s this attitude that has helped us land where we are with skyrocketing medical expenses. You wouldn’t take your car in for body work without asking how much it’s going to cost and doing some comparison shopping – there’s nothing wrong with shopping around for medical care, either.

Yes, Babies can be expensive. But they don’t have to break the bank!

Working at Home, with Kids

When I was pregnant and considering working from home (somehow), I read a few books about the subject. They all recommended sending kids to daycare, hiring a nanny, or at the very least, getting them into preschool programs and then regular school. Yikes. That didn’t sound good to me at all. I was, after all, staying home in the first place so that I could be with my kids – NOT so that I could put them in daycare. And preschool? Um, no. We’re homeschoolers.

Well, over six years later, I won’t say that I don’t know why the books recommend shipping the kids off somewhere else! However, it hasn’t been necessary. Though some days (weeks, months) are better than others, we get by pretty good here. I work with the kids with me. It’s a little chaotic at times, but here’s how we do it.

• Keep a routine. If I’m not careful, I can work all day. My routine used to have me starting out the day in my office, but I discovered that it was too easy to never quit working. Now, our routine has us doing homeschooling and upstairs activities until after lunch, and working in the afternoon – hopefully to finish up by the time daddy gets home. This usually results in 3 or 4 hours of work time every day. (note: this is not to be confused with completing 3-4 hours of work every day, lol.)
• Stock the office with lots of fun stuff. One customer asked me one day if I also run a daycare. Um, no. But I do keep a large variety of toys on hand. The widely varied ages of my kids makes the toy thing kind of challenging at times, but I keep three drawers of misc. toddler-type toys, then a series of bins full of older-kid toys. I have coloring books, paper, crayons, washable markers. There’s an easel with a whiteboard and dry-erase markers (out of Genna’s reach). We have play-dough and a variety of play-dough accessories. There’s a ride-on toy and dolls. I rotate the toys often. Even just moving something to a different part of the room makes them newly interesting. I try to switch things around every week or two, and notice that when I get lax in this department, it shows, since the kids get bored a lot faster.
• Pillows, blankets, books, TV, and a computer. The TV does not come on every day. But now that I have a TV in my office, it does tend to come one once or twice a week, usually PBS kids late afternoon programming, sometimes movies on DVD. And Wally has a computer in my office, which we use as a supplement to homeschooling, or just for fun games.
• Breathe in, breathe out. Patience, patience.
• Stop whenever necessary to take a break to give the kids some attention. It’s sooo tempting to try to stave off children who want your attention, but in the long run, this is a losing strategy.

I also currently have two alone times to work – Sunday afternoon or evening, I process and pack orders from Thursday thru Sunday. And Thursday evening, I have the entire evening to work – I keep Genna with me while Wally’s at Kung Fu until 7, then Daddy takes both kids and I can work until I’m ready to come up – sometimes that’s 9:00, sometimes that’s 2:00. I like Thursday nights!

Better Health Coaching might actually have something good to say.

We get our health insurance through my husband’s work. As part of their ongoing determination to run their employees’ lives even when away from work, they now require both employees as well as covered spouses to participate in certain “wellness activities” twice a year. I could have chosen to stop smoking (and maybe I should have, it would have been super easy – since I don’t smoke). I could have chosen their 10,000 steps program – but you have to log in EVERY DAY to give your steps, and I just don’t see that happening. If you forget for a certain number of days in a row, you have to start over. Yikes. I could have participated in a few other Company-sponsored activities, but I ended up deciding to give Health Coaching a try. Might be fun, at the very least, THEY call ME so I don’t have to actually DO anything.

So far, it’s been kind of worthless. She recommends thing like giving up read meat, I refuse, I cite studies saying that red meat doesn’t cause heart disease in otherwise healthy women, she changes the subject. She says I should be following a particular diet that doesn’t include protein at breakfast, I refuse, she says I can have turkey bacon, I say I don’t eat fake foods, she changes the subject. You know.

Next week, we’ll be talking about stress (which is the topic I said I wanted to focus on during our first call, four calls ago, but yet we’ve talked about diet, calories, fat, weight, etc.). So I’m reading through the materials she sent me and came across this:

Avoid
Not all the stresses in life can be avoided, but you should recognize your options and do what you
can to avoid needless stress. You may be able to decrease how often you must deal with many stress-
producing situations.

Alter
If you can’t avoid a stressful situation, you may be able to alter or change it in some way to create a
more positive outcome. Altering a situation will require that you anticipate stress in advance and be
prepared with your solution.

Adapt
If you can’t avoid or alter the situation, then you may need to adapt how you think, feel or act. In other
words, the change may need to come from within you. Adapting to stressful situations and learning to
deal with them as best you can may be a better response than making significant changes in your life.

 

THIS is genius. It succinctly states how we can deal with situations with our children. (Or, fine, other stress, too.) I’ve read similar ideas in many parenting books, but not necessarily this succinctly.

Too often, I see parents stuck on “alter.” Specifically, they want to alter their child’s behavior. They overlook the other options: ignoring it (avoid) if it’s just a phase or a short-term problem. Adapting how they think, feel, or respond to the situation. Or even changing the situation, rather than the child.

So, so many situations with our children can be made better through these methods, rather than directly trying to change the child.

Cosleeping Strategy

Wally’s slept in our bed with us since he was born. (Then, of course, we added Genna, but she’s not really germane to this discussion.) He sleeps between us – all the time since Genna, and most of the time even before Genna.

He hates covers. We like covers (at least in winter). This started causing problems, as you can imagine. We’d both be warm and covered up…and then Wally would kick the covers off. And we’d fight him to get them back up. And this repeated itself over and over and over all night, every night.

This Christmas, I finally did something about it, and I wish I’d done it years ago. I bought my husband his own sheet and his own blanket.

So now he has his own sheet and blanket, and I have my own sheet and blanket. And Wally sleeps in between them. Sometimes he gets cold and wants covers, and we’re happy to share. But it’s sooooo nice to not be fighting over the sheets every night!

The big drawback is with laundry. It now takes pretty much an entire day to get sheets and blankets and mattress pad washed and dried.

Handling Unwanted Advice

This is reprinted with permission.

Handling Unwanted Advice

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Gentle Baby Care

“Help! I’m getting so frustrated with the endless stream of advice I get from my mother-in-law and brother! No matter what I do, I’m doing it wrong. I love them both, but how do I get them to stop dispensing all this unwanted advice?”

Just as your baby is an important part of your life, he is also important to others. People who care about your baby are bonded to you and your child in a special way that invites their counsel. Knowing this may give you a reason to handle the interference gently, in a way that leaves everyone’s feelings intact.

Regardless of the advice, it is your baby, and in the end, you will raise your child the way that you think best. So it’s rarely worth creating a war over a well-meaning person’s comments. You can respond to unwanted advice in a variety of ways:

Listen first

It’s natural to be defensive if you feel that someone is judging you; but chances are you are not being criticized; rather, the other person is sharing what they feel to be valuable insight. Try to listen – you may just learn something valuable.

Disregard

If you know that there is no convincing the other person to change her mind, simply smile, nod, and make a non-committal response, such as, “Interesting!” Then go about your own business…your way.

Agree

You might find one part of the advice that you agree with. If you can, provide wholehearted agreement on that topic.

Pick your battles

If your mother-in-law insists that Baby wear a hat on your walk to the park, go ahead and pop one on his head. This won’t have any long-term effects except that of placating her. However, don’t capitulate on issues that are important to you or the health or well-being of your child.

Steer clear of the topic

If your brother is pressuring you to let your baby cry to sleep, but you would never do that, then don’t complain to him about your baby getting you up five times the night before. If he brings up the topic, then distraction is definitely in order, such as, “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

Educate yourself

Knowledge is power; protect yourself and your sanity by reading up on your parenting choices. Rely on the confidence that you are doing your best for your baby.

Educate the other person

If your “teacher” is imparting information that you know to be outdated or wrong, share what you’ve learned on the topic. You may be able to open the other person’s mind. Refer to a study, book, or report that you have read.

Quote a doctor

Many people accept a point of view if a professional has validated it. If your own pediatrician agrees with your position, say, “My doctor said to wait until she’s at least six months before starting solids.” If your own doctor doesn’t back your view on that issue, then refer to another doctor – perhaps the author of a baby care book.

Be vague

You can avoid confrontation with an elusive response. For example, if your sister asks if you’ve started potty training yet (but you are many months away from even starting the process), you can answer with, “We’re moving in that direction.”

Ask for advice!

Your friendly counselor is possibly an expert on a few issues that you can agree on. Search out these points and invite guidance. She’ll be happy that she is helping you, and you’ll be happy you have a way to avoid a showdown about topics that you don’t agree on.

Memorize a standard response

Here’s a comment that can be said in response to almost any piece of advice: “This may not be the right way for you, but it’s the right way for me.”

Be honest

Try being honest about your feelings. Pick a time free of distractions and choose your words carefully, such as, “I know how much you love Harry, and I’m glad you spend so much time with him. I know you think you’re helping me when you give me advice about this, but I’m comfortable with my own approach, and I’d really appreciate if you’d understand that.”

Find a mediator

If the situation is putting a strain on your relationship with the advice-giver, you may want to ask another person to step in for you.

Search out like-minded friends

Join a support group or on-line club with people who share your parenting philosophies. Talking with others who are raising their babies in a way that is similar to your own can give you the strength to face people who don’t understand your viewpoints.

This article is an excerpt from Gentle Baby Care by Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

Bowling while Nursing = Key to strikes

We went bowling with some friends on Sunday. I hit my only strike of the night (and my second spare) while nursing Genna. I’m sure the other patrons were impressed at my mad skills.